'Gods Of Egypt' Raises Many, Many Questions  

Gods of Egypt is hitting theaters in February, and mark your calendars, because the trailer alone — which raises more questions than an entire Christopher Nolan film — proves that this will be spring’s must-see cinematic event.

Before we commence with our analysis, I’d like to establish that, while I’m well aware Gerard Butler and Nikolaj Coster-Waldau are real actors with real names, I’m going to refer to them as King Leonidas and Jaime Lannister. Now that that’s clear, let’s dive into all of the thought-provoking questions this trailer invites.

What are you doing, Jaime Lannister?

Jaime Lannister goes through more looks than Zoolander in the course of this two-minute trailer, each one raising more questions than the last. The short-shorts, blue merman cape, and slicked-back locks above are just the tip of the iceberg. Consider, for example, this image, and the myriad of questions that are sure to keep you up at night.

Where did his shirt go? Does his glowing eye have Superman powers? If so, is Ancient Egypt secretly Krypton? If not, is it an allusion to Cyclops? If so, is it X-Men’s Cyclops or The Odyssey’s Cyclops? If it’s The Odyssey’s, his eye should be in the middle of his head so that makes no sense. If it’s X-Men or Superman, those didn’t exist in Ancient Egypt, so that makes no sense.

If he’s the god Horus, then why doesn’t he have a falcon head?. Just go back to Westeros, Jaime. You can bring the look below if you really want, though. A man can never have too many eye patches paired with muscle shirts paired with upper-arm bracelets.

Do the people making this movie think King Leonidas is still relevant?

No offense to King Leonidas, but since he bellowed and perished spectacularly in 300, he hasn’t done a whole lot besides some truly lame rom coms (The Ugly Truth) and some truly baffling thrillers or whatever the fuck Gamer is supposed to be. King Leonidas was badass and entertainingly quotable in 300, and he wore the fuck out of a cape and guyliner, but this travesty invalidated his place in the acting world for a long, long time.

The beard and the cape combo he sports in Gods of Egypt look like they’re trying to capture that King Leonidas essence again and make us remember that year we went around quoting “This is Sparta!” and “Tonight we dine in hell!” like it was our jobs.

So this image raises questions like: do they think it’s still 2006 or even 2007, when his career was still looking promising? Did they forget that Gamer exists? Do they think we forget it exists? Are they perhaps living in a time warp where it really is 2006? If so, somebody warn them about Trump and see if they can do something to stop it. On second thought, if they thought we’d forget about Gamer and still get excited about King Leonidas, maybe we shouldn’t entrust them with a Back to the Future mission against Trump. Nobody say anything to them!

What planet is this version of Egypt on?

As many have already pointed out, this movie sports a curious lack of any actual Egyptians. It also looks like it stole its set from the Thor movies, which take place in Asgard, which is not earth.

The questions, then are, is ‘Egypt’ a metaphor, here; the word ‘Egypt’ in the title is figurative? Or is the big plot twist going to be that this is a backdoor sequel to Thor 2 and Jaime Lannister is wearing an eye patch because Thor asked him to? The trailer can’t even pretend this plot has a semblance of coherence in its two minutes, so perhaps the world may never know.

In any case, this promises to be spring’s most batshit insane movie — even evoking hints of Alexander, my favorite batshit epic — and it leaves me no choice but to be excited to see Jaime Lannister and King Leonidas prance around in eye patches and muscle shirts and capes, overacting against the backdrop of a nonsensical plot. I don’t know about y’all who have your Star Wars tickets reserved, because I’m going to go ahead and reserve my tickets to Gods of Egypt.