Howler Monkeys With Tiny Testicles Are Far From the Worst of Animal Sex
Be grateful you've never met a drunk porcupine at last call.
Howler monkeys may have just been outed as the MRAs of the animal kingdom in a recent study linking a tendency to shriek loudly to tiny, low-sperm-count testicles. Annoying, yes, but tame for love in the wild. Remember these courtship rituals the next time you roll your eys at “Netflix and chill?”
Hippos
Eschewing the crude screeching of the primate, the hippo knows actions speak louder than words. So when he wants you to know how he feels about a female, he just looks deep in your eyes, makes sure he’s standing where you can see him, and defecates all over himself. He also urinates on himself. Then, cool as Gosling, he spins that tail around getting the stank all over. Who you with girl? Hippo ladies love this stuff. Love it.
Flatworms
Flatworms are hermaphrodites, a mark in the plus column as far as passing on your genes because you can be male or female during reproduction, thus increasing the pool of potential mates. However, flatworms only decide to settle on who will be which when they initiate mating, which means a competition called “penis fencing.” It’s not as hot as it sounds. Basically they spend the next hour or so gouging each other with their genitals until one consents to playing the female.
You like water sports?
Porcupine
Porcupines urinate on each other for foreplay. The male stream is so strong he can hit the object of his affection even if she’s sitting on a higher tree branch. But he showers her only if she initiates contact specific to mating because porcupines respect their partner’s right to choose. Porcupines are decent creatures.
Just wants to love you.
Anglerfish
A cautionary tale about leaving yourself open to nice guys, once the anglerfish mates, good luck getting away from him. Completely needy and passive-aggressive, many of the males are unable to even feed themselves. So to survive, they immediately bond with whatever female they guilted into bedding down, attaching their circulatory systems to their partner to suckle the food they catch. The Sam Smith of ocean sex.
Now it's going to get gross.
Bed Bugs
You’ve made it this far. Congratulate yourself. Want to turn back now? Are you sure? Positive?
Ok.
Two words: Traumatic Insemination.
So, a lot of times the female bedbug is just as repulsed at the thought of being penetrated by these guys as you would be, and she puts up a struggle. Not to be denied, the male bed bug just straight stabs a hole in his unwilling partner’s abdomen somewhere with his knife-sharp bed bug penis.
Life, uh, finds a way.
