'Sonic the Hedgehog' redesign is cute, but this movie still shouldn't exist

Paramount dropped a new trailer for its upcoming Sonic the Hedgehog movie today, showing off the character’s CGI redesign. For the most part, the reaction online has been positive. It’s a lot truer to the spirit of Sega’s original 90s design, with bigger eyes and a more cartoony feel overall. The unsettling fur and teeth of the first version have mercifully been toned down. This is something of a mixed blessing, because without the cringe-worthy visuals to soak up all your attention, you’re at greater liberty to appreciate how horrible and annoying this movie actually looks.

The jaw-droppingly fugly first Sonic trailer had the profound misfortune of debuting around the same time as the aggressively adorable Detective Pikachu. Social media was merciless in its takedown of Paramount’s creepy AF rendition of the video game icon, and even the creative team behind the Pokémon flick took time out of their promotional cycle to dunk on Sonic’s janky appearance.

Not since The Emoji Movie has an upcoming release made me think, “man, having a kid must absolutely suck” quite like Sonic the Hedgehog. It may shock you to learn that while this latest trailer feels interminable, it is actually only two-and-a-half minutes long. Can you imagine how exhausting it would be to sit through this for 100 minutes? It’s probably a lot like being stranded at a lousy casino all day with no money and no ID — no means of escape, just a potential migraine everywhere you turn. Imagine eating nothing but Haribo gummies and Four Loko all day for a week. Sure, it’s fun for a bit, but it’s gonna get old mighty fast. (Also, they blatantly ripped off that latte scene from Zoolander, right?)

Look, I want the best for Sonic. I do. Those games are enormous fun to play, and video games can be a remarkably effective and impactful storytelling medium. But this latest Sonic the Hedgehog trailer is further proof that these two sentiments don’t overlap. The Sonic franchise is all about fun, fast-paced platforming gameplay, which is exactly what makes it a terrible fit for the big screen. I’ll say it: the Sonic movie is bad for Sonic, bad for movie fans, and bad for humanity writ large. Make a stylish anime series instead and spare us all this Cheerio-baggie nonsense.

Sonic the Hedgehog comes to theaters February 14, 2020.