Siri Will Not Tell Us What We Should Know About Apple's 'Hey Siri' Event

Apple TVs, the Apple iOS 9 operating system, and maybe Apple’s massive pads will be introduced at the Apple event of September, Wednesday’s “Hey, Siri” convention speech thing. But you won’t learn any of that from the disembodied female voice that haunts iPhones.

We sat down with Siri to ask it a few questions about its big day, and at first all she did was play dumb.

We then shifted tactics, having heard that if you ask Siri to give you a hint, Ghost Lady would cough up a few gems. Instead, it turns out Siri’s just a jerk obsessed with the number 3 million.

Should you convert the binary to letters of the alphabet, this translates to “Gotcha.”

Hey, Siri, here’s a hint: The last Apple product I purchased was a cockroach-sized second-gen iPod shuffle so I could listen to the Foo Fighters while I spent my summer alphabetizing insurance files. Who’s “gotcha” now??!

Although by the end, Siri demonstrated remarkable humility, even if it didn’t understand the question:

Siri simply refused to answer if she saw the debut of iOS 9 as any sort of existential threat, if the proposed mobile ad-blocking application and Apple News app forecasted a bleak future for online journalism, or if as a piece of software she could understand the concept of “threats.”

You can live-stream the “Hey Siri” event beginning at 10 a.m. Pacific time Wednesday.