6 Geeky Products on Amazon Your Dog Deserves

Some dogs are goofy, warm-hearted, and simple. They want to chase a ball. They are only happy when running at high speed. Or they sleep 24/7. Your dog, though: Anxious, overly concerned about what everyone is doing at all times, thoughtful, sneaky, clever, planning for an apocalyptic future when all dog treats are gone.

I hate to break it to you but your dog is a geek. And that tennis ball and Kong aren’t going to cut it. You need to stay one step ahead if you are going to keep your shoes unchewed, the ham safely in the fridge safe, and your sanity intact.

A geek trapped in a dog’s body is a frustrated creature. You have to find toys that engage the mind, entertain that sense of irony, and help compensate for the canine’s inability to surf the internet.

We found six toys that will help your pup cope with the hand he was dealt.

getDigital 12045 Schrödinger’s Cat Science Plush Toy for Adults

Many dogs are conflicted about cats. Do I love them and want one for a pet or do I want to chase it and kill it? It probably depends on the cat. If it runs, chase it. If not? Cuddle. Therefore, this Schrödinger’s cat is a visual joke your geeky dog will find endlessly amusing.

How can the cat be dead and alive simultaneously? Do I cuddle it? Or did I kill it?

It is these sorts of existential questions that make the life of a pet interesting. Bring some of it home for your pup.

Gumby Dog Toy

Gumby was created by the legendary pioneer of stop-motion animation Art Clokey in 1953. Gumby’s horse, Pokey, was—for some—the star of those early animations. Gumby only rode Pokey once. They were friends. Not green humanoid and beast of burden. But, this one time, the two were in a hurry. And Pokey is faster. When Gumby climbed off, Pokey said, “That was humiliating.” Gumby apologized.

As a geek, your dog is probably frequently subjected to humiliating situations. She is called by the wrong gender, spoken to in a baby voice, talked about as if she isn’t there and can’t understand what’s being said about her. And, let’s be honest, constantly begging for food—though she can’t help it—is hardly good for her self esteem.

She and Gumby will get each other. Also? This plush toys has an internal squeeker. Because, dog.

Haute Diggity Dog Muttini Bar Collection: LickCroix Pamplemutt Flavor

Once upon a time, Jolt soda was the beverage of choice for nerds. Remember? Not anymore. Le Croix is the new drink to buy in bulk. Nerds are health conscious now. We like our beverages clean, sparkling, and without sugar. (Or is that hipsters?)

Either way, your dog wants to mock you. (Or your friends.) Show him you have a sense of humor, too, and give him this plush Lick Croix toy so he can be seen running around with an of-the-moment beverage in his mouth.

No calories. No sugar. No actual beverage.

Haute Diggity Dog Muttini Bar Collection: Red Bulldog

If you and your dog are both geeks, neither of you are likely to know what the cool kids are doing with Red Bull these days. So I’ll tell you.

It’s called a Missile. You pop a hole in the bottom end of the can and empty out a bit of the Red Bull. Replace that with Vodka. Then pop the top and shotgun it. Terrible right? That is, apparently, the cost of being cool. All those brain cells wasted!

It’s called a Missile. Your dog would love to mock this behavior by chewing on a plush can of Red Bulldog. He’s much too smart to drink a Missile. But he’s always up for a joke at the expense of the party animals.

Pet Zone IQ Treat Ball

Your pup doesn’t have opposing thumbs. That means she can’t roll dice. And that, sadly, keeps her out of the Dungeons and Dragons games. This makes her sad.

She likes puzzles, though. And this is a puzzle with a prize! Get her something that will engage her mind and offer a bit of snack while you Skype in your D&D team. She won’t hate you as much for leaving her out. And that means she is less likely to destroy your shoes while you quest.

Felix & Fido Petbot Interactive App Controlled Treat Dispensing Smart Mobile Robot

Your pup needs a sidekick! And this one dispenses treats!

What makes a good buddy flick? A buddy, right? And your little buddy needs one of those. This one doesn’t need to be walked or fed. It will keep your pet company. And it will reward him with treats.t makes a good buddy flick? A buddy, right? And your little buddy needs one of those. This one doesn’t need to be walked or fed. It will keep your pet company. And it will reward him with treats.

If your dog is truly a geek, he will be able to hack this thing, get all the treats, and use it to terrorize the cat.

But if you are still in control of the situation, you can drive it remotely to create a sensational, dog-at-home-alone-with-his-robot-reality for your pet. And that’s worth $200 right?

It connects via Wi-Fi. It has a camera! There’s two-way audio and a built in laser toy! This is gonna be fun!