Tesla Scores 103 out of 100, All Scales Are Now Broken Forever

Tesla’s latest vehicle is so tight that it outgrew Consumer Report’s rating scale. In a video posted to its site, the org admits, “Tesla P85D Broke Consumer Reports’ Rating System.” This is amazing, the no-bullshit equivalent of Spinal Tap turning itself up to 11. The conversations at Consumer Reports must’ve been a hell of a thing to come to this decision. Like, I know we only go up to a hundred. I know this. I’m only saying, What if we didn’t?

This is what happens when Tesla scores a 99 for its Model S and then makes an even better car a couple of years later, a $128,000 marvel that goes from 0 to 60 mph in a preposterous 3.5 seconds, and which doesn’t burn any gas in doing so. “This fully electric car is a glimpse into the future of the automotive industry,” the review states. Forget the fact that the magazine’s old rating system is now obsolete — sure makes the next 99 look like a piker, no? For a moment, let’s consider how expanded ratings might look in other fields.

• A bottle of Pétrus garners a 103 from Robert Parker, who writes, “The grapes must’ve been harvested by Oompa Loompas wearing the finest silk gloves.”

• The Denver Broncos beat the Seattle Seahawks so mercilessly in Super Bowl 50 that the NFL grants them three wins to start the next season … or just suspends Tom Brady for four games.

• Pitchfork awards Kanye West’s album I’m Better Than You — featuring Animal Collective, Ariel Pink, and Deerhunter — a 10.3. “If Kendrick Lamar had been on it,” the reviewer gushes, “each one of his verses would’ve been worth another tenth of a point.”

• Russian River and the Alchemist band together to brew Pliny the Topper. Beer Advocate’s staff shuts down website to drink it for the rest of their lives. A note on the side clarifies: “Our scale has always been based on how much a given beer rates against MGD.”

• The Kansas City Royals win the 2015 World Series in two games. MLB umpires halt the proceedings, noting, “Nobody is watching this shit anyhow.”

• Movie critics across the globe agree that A Confederacy of Dunces starring Louis C.K. is the greatest film of all time, netting it a 103% on Rotten Tomatoes. (A.O. Scott proclaims, “This movie is A.O.K.!”)

• A new Thomas Keller restaurant, U.S.A. Laundry, receives four Michelin stars. Zagat writes the “rustic post-industrial fusion landmark” is so good it “ruins eating for those not lucky enough to eat there three times a day” and suggests remaining at your table “from a late lunch reservation through an early dinner.”