Looking Ahead to a Glorious Future of Repelling Mosquitoes

Reporting for The New York Times, Jennifer Jolly recently traveled to a factory in Riverside, California. There, a company named Kite is developing a secret patch that repels mosquitoes. The Wonka-esque powers-that-be wouldn’t divulge what “fragrances and compounds” they’re putting into the patch, but Jolly says it works. So, here’s what I say: I don’t give a shit what’s in it. Hook me with up with one right now.

Jolly placed her arm into a box filled with mosquitoes and tested out various methods of repellent — the usual sprays and such — with mixed results that always resulted in a few bites. Once she was rocking the Kite Nirvana Generator (suggested name), she writes, “The patch, which isn’t available yet, smelled an awful lot like cloves, and as I inserted my arm into the glass box again, no mosquitoes landed anywhere near it.”

Get this Kite Cloud Nine Million (another suggested name) on the store shelves now! What is the holdup? It could be made of Super DEET, dead puppies, and all remaining white truffles: I’m still in. Jolly has some anecdotes about growing up in Alaska with its mosquito issues. Same. I’m from Colorado and camping or hiking, for me, is basically like bug acupuncture. Once, I visited Belize and survived. Now, I’m fairly certain it was so I could live to tell the tale of how much I hate mosquitoes. My Irish blood might as well be melted Belgian chocolate — it makes them feel like they’re in hour four of a Molly orgy, those little vampires.

There is, of course, the real consequences of mosquitoes carrying deadly diseases, as Jolly points out. Come to think of it, they are one of the few species on the planet with no redeemable characteristics. At least ants can lift really heavy stuff. Up yours, mosquitoes. Kite Mosquito-Magic Vexation Elixir (just throwing these out there) is here to send you back to where you came from, or at least to a different part of the yard.