A Defense of Therm Scissorpunch, the Dumbest Name in All of Star Wars

Solo: A Star Wars Story is going to introduce a bunch of new faces to the Star Wars universe. One of those faces, a lobster-like alien, has an incredibly stupid name. As revealed by a Denny’s promotional tie-in, one of the gamblers that Han will encounter on his journey is named “Therm Scissorpunch.” Is it a dumb name? Absolutely, but it’s dumb in a way that’s very much consistent with Star Wars canon, and, frankly, wonderful.

We don’t know much about Therm Scissorpunch, other than that he has claws that kind of resemble scissors that he can, presumably, punch with. The collectible trading card that Denny’s is offering doesn’t reveal any more information. (At least on the front, which is all that there are pictures of so far. The back of the card might contain more information once it’s actually out in the world). Other cards in the series feature new characters named Val, Moloch, Qi’Ra, a Mudtrooper, and Argus “Six-Eyes’ Panox, a character who has six eyes.

Therm Scissorpunch, and Star Wars by extension, are getting mocked for this extremely literal and profoundly idiotic moniker. However, what everybody fails to see is that Therm Scissorpunch’s name is actually Good.

Star Wars has always had stupid names. Even the good ones are kind of corny. Skywalker — originally Starkiller — is the type of on-the-nose dumb name that an imaginative child might make up. Han Solo might as well be named “Jon Lonewolf.” Darth Vader means “Dark Father,” though that was a bit of an accident on George Lucas’s part. That Star Wars is a little dumb is part of the charm, and we haven’t gotten to the actually stupid names yet.

Therm Scissorpunch will join the illustrious ranks of characters like Elan Sleazebaggano, Dexter Jettster, Savage Opress, Salacious B. Crumb, Luuke Skywalker (the extra “U” is not a typo), Notluwiski Papanoida, Kit Fisto, the entire Mon Calamari species, Ephant Mon, Ben Quadinaros, General Grievous, Whorm Loathsom, Sy Snootles, Droopy McCool, Beezer Fortuna, Scrapjaw Motito, and Infrablue Zedbeddy Coggins, to name a few.

I mean, come on, the name of the genre of music they play in Star War is “jizz.” With the exception of Lando Calrissian, names in Star Wars have always leaned more towards the silly side than the cool side, and that’s okay. Star Wars is fun.

Let Therm Scissorpunch live, everybody.

Solo: A Star Wars Story (feat. Therm Scissorpunch) opens on May 25, 2018.