Truly, These Are the Bongs of Kings

I’m not sure how much of the plot for the next Indiana Jones film has been decided, but Disney execs might consider The Golden Bong of the Scythian Warrior King for the next McGuffin. Beats saucer men.

That title would also, strangely, now be the Indiana Jones plot most grounded in real life. Archeologists have discovered a pair of gold bongs hidden under a layer of clay in Russia in an area being used to build power lines. The pipes, along with 7 pounds of solid gold jewelry, are believed to be the property of chiefs of the nomadic Scythians. Criminologists who tested the pipe resin confirmed that tribal leaders were smoking marijuana and opium, sometimes simultaneously. Scythians liked to get wet.

Various stoner mags theorize ancient races may have figured out drugs by noticing a pleasing smell when throwing various plants on their fires. Not much actual research supports this hazy guess. But clearly the Scythians were no droopy-eyed layabouts toking during Adult Swim cartoons; they were badass warriors who spent a millennium running the Eurasian grasslands. Here’s Greek historian Herodotus’ account of a tribal party: “Scythians used a plant to produce smoke that no Grecian vapour-bath can surpass and ‘transported by the vapour, [they] shout aloud.” Sounds counter-productive to ride into battle on a central nervous system depressant, but that’s only considering the Scythian point of view. Imagine being on the other side of that fight, seeing hundreds of nomadic warriors, whooping and charging over the ridge, all ganja-and-opium-blend gold-bong-blazed out of their gourds.

These are now the oldest bongs to be discovered, and challenges the narrative that pipe-smoking was a New World innovation.

The stoners of social media pontificated this major find with customary insight.