Elon Musk’s Tesla ‘Giga Texas Belt Buckle’ is a disgrace to cowboys everywhere

Now that Tesla’s headquarters have moved from California to Texas, Elon Musk has decided he’s ready to switch out his techbro look for a ranchero equivalent. With fellow billionaire Jeff Bezos already claiming the cowboy hat — styling the headwear with his Blue Origin space suit — Musk’s company has hustled to capitalize on the next Southern staple: A big-ass belt buckle.

Tesla’s limited edition accessory, dubbed the Giga Texas Belt Buckle, commemorates the company’s new Gigafactory headquarters as well as Musk’s constant desire (and failure) to cosplay as a normal person. A prominent Texas Lone Star emblazoned with the Tesla logo, sits in the center of the silver belt buckle, with the words “Don’t Mess With” inscribed below. It’s a lot easier, however, to adhere to the original expression — don’t mess with Texas – than to not mess with a car company clowning itself with dangerous self-driving features, “S3XY” booty shorts, and cringey belt buckles.

Testy goes westy — Yet at this very moment, Tesla loyalists are likely surveying their sleek wardrobes and wondering how to fit the hefty belt buckle into their rotation. Perhaps they’ll pair the accessory with their CyberTruck-shaped Cyberwhistle, or opt for lookalike Tesla sneakers. Either way, their look will seem as forced as Elon’s own. Nice!

Each Giga Texas Belt Buckle is manufactured from die cast zinc, engraved, and then brushed with an antique silver finish, the Tesla website claims. Hopefully the quality control on the product is better than the company’s vehicles, at the very least boasting the ability to hold up what little dignity buyers have left.

Fitting belts up to two inches, the buckle just isn’t fit to play with the big boys, and frankly, neither is Musk: At their roots, buckles are a symbol of achievement, often awarded to rodeo entertainers like bull riders and calf ropers. Yet Musk’s failures seem to outnumber his recent wins, as demonstrated by the technoking’s traffic-inducing Tesla tunnels, numerous vehicle recalls, and uncovered marketing lies.

A bargain buckle — At least Elon can take his L’s while looking like a total poser in his Giga Texas Belt Buckle — and you can too, even without coughing up $150 for the accessory’s retail price. Tesla’s belt buckle is available on resale sites like StockX for as little as $100, and the low, low cost of your self-respect.