Buying a bidet is a stupid idea, but if you're going to do it, here are the best ones

As the Coronavirus crisis in the United States escalates, you’ve no doubt had the thought of going to your grocery store to restock on food and supplies. If you have, you’ve likely seen one item in particular emptied out: toilet paper. To be clear, there is no sign that any major country was facing toilet paper shortages, or would face them at any point. As some have pointed out fears of shortages in countries like Australia seem to have manifested themselves, and have now ironically resulted in actual toilet paper shortages.

There is another way, though. You could order recycled or bamboo toilet paper from one of the several upstart companies trying to disrupt the industry. Regular supermarket bath tissue is terrible for the environment for a litany of reasons, so you’d be killing two birds with one stone. Or you can leave toilet paper behind and join the legions of people around the world who discovered there’s a better way to poo by buying a bidet.

Owning a bidet will drastically reduce your overall toilet paper consumption. Most owners I know only need a piece or two to dab themselves dry after use, making a single roll last up to three weeks. Plebeian poopers may need four or more pieces per task depending on the end result and length of session. In addition, my fellow bidet users report feeling cleaner than ever. So, if the idea of fighting off a legion of “karens” at Walmart for a 48-count pack of Charmin doesn’t seem appealing to you, here are some of the best bidets available. (All were in stock and ready to ship at the time of publishing.)

Bio Bidet Elite3

• Available: Now
• Price: $43.90
• Install Type: Retrofit
• Power Required: None

The Elite3 was the most recommended to me before I purchased my own bidet and it’s clear why. The price is attractive and installation is simple. You also don’t have to totally replace your toilet seat unlike some of the other options on this list. It has two dials, one for adjusting the strength of the water and another for the direction of the flow. Do know it only uses cold water; you’ll have to pay up for warm. The Elite3 can also be installed without the need for a professional unlike some more advanced bidets.

Tushy Classic and Tushy Spa

• Available: Now
• Price: $80 (Classic) or $109 (Spa)
• Install Type: Retrofit
• Power required: None

You may recognize Tushy from their on-the-nose ads online and on podcasts. Their bidets are a bit more visually appealing thanks to their sleeker design and broad color selection. The Tushy Classic, like the BioBidet Elite3, can be installed without the need for a professional. It has one dial for adjusting water pressure and a small switch for adjusting direction but only puts out cold water. The Tushy Spa can serve warm water but the installation process is a bit more complicated and you may want to hire a plumber to help as it requires connecting your bidet to your sink’s hot water supply. However, the Spa is still one of the cheaper warm water bidets.

Toto Washlet C100

• Available: Now
• Price: $313
• Install Type: Seat replacement
• Power Required: Wall outlet

Toto has been in the toilet game for a while and odds are you or someone you know has one of their toilets. Their bidet toilet seats certainly target the premium market but the C100 strikes the best balance of features and price among their lineup. This bidet has warm water, a dryer, and a button-packed control panel to adjust its many other settings.

If you’d prefer a wireless remote, you can pay another $100 or so for the C200. The downside of this bidet is that it does require a power connection which may not be an option for you depending on the layout of your bathroom. It’s also several times the price of less feature-packed retrofit models, and the added functionality may not be worth that kind of premium to you.

Toto S550e

• Available: Now
• Price: $1,008
• Install Type: Seat replacement
• Power Required: Wall outlet

For more than the price of a flagship smartphone, there’s the Toto S550e. If there’s a feature you could think of for a toilet seat, this has it. Heated seat? Check. Tankless and instant warm water? Check. Automatic lid? Check. Nightlight? Why would you even assume it wouldn’t have a nightlight?

Are these features worth it? No. But I think we can all be glad that someone made a toilet seat with Jeff Bezos in mind.